Art / Creepy / Vintage

It’s Not Dead Yet: Creepy Little Boys

I often snap photos of weird items I see at thrift and antique shops. I’ll be focusing on them from time to time in my column. Today’s feature is Creepy Little Boy Figurines.

The Creepy Irish Boy


This little boy sporting neon green cap and shirt is Irish, but was probably birthed in Germany. He has some kind of disease that has made his right hand very large, but it comes in very handy for making change and handing apples to his customers.

His mother believes that by wearing black eyeliner, her son will look more appealing and therefore sell more apples. She doesn’t understand that it only makes him look a little goth, and therefore somewhat frightening to adults. His mother has also made his clothes, forgetting to add the last two buttonholes to his jacket. She found the cloth on sale and despite her son’s protests, made his entire suit in the same fabric, simply reversing it to the brighter side for the collar, shirt and cap.

He gets chased by other little boys who call him Lepper-Lepper-Leprechaun and throw things like rotten strawberries at him. You cannot see the red splotches on his back, but he is blessed with speed when it comes to running, even though he flails his small arms as he leaps through the air.

He cements his apples into their basket to keep them from falling out as he runs. This also makes it hard to sell apples to customers as he has to squish and mangle them to remove them for sales. As they rot, they leave holes in the cement so it’s easily chiseled out for a new batch. The smell of rotten apples also doesn’t help with sales.

You may notice his belly is a little distended. This is from eating the rotten apples, as that is all his family can afford for meals. His mother has been lame since the goat kicked out her last kneecap, hyper-extending her leg. The first was lost in an accident with the milkman which she never fully explains. His father left before her was born.

The Creepy Irish Boy is doomed to an early death. We should say a little prayer for him and enjoy eating apples that are crisp and fresh, as he would want us to.

The Creepy Boy Teasing a Squirrel


As is already clear, this is a little British boy. One can tell by his pale skin, pouty attitude and his sitting on a dead tree.

He has been given cherries to eat, but his malaise is so great that he can only hold them and stare into the distance. He is obviously thinking of his upcoming sixth birthday, when he will be given his first pair of shoes (but not new shoes, shoes that have already had the life worn out of the soles), and sent to the cotton mill to be worked to death.

His parents, who live in a small wooden shack amongst dead trees in the countryside,  have hopes of selling him to a wealthy passerby. Thus the sticker on his distended belly.

The cherries were stolen from a nearby house, but they will not nourish him, as all their vitamins and fiber will be taken by the worms residing in his gut. Unbeknownst to him, a large squirrel (Remember the boy is small and malnourished, so the squirrel isn’t some freak of nature; he’s just large.) has joined him on the dead tree to try and get the cherries without the boy’s noticing. Likely, the squirrel will get the fruit and scamper back to his home to eat them. The boy will continue to stare down the road, not caring that his penis scarf falls to the dirt, waiting for the darkness he knows will come and envelop him.

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