1. No matter how professional you look, your button up shirt will always turn into a peekaboo gap. And no matter how hard you close that gap with fabric tape, it will always bust open with a sigh.
Lesson #1: Your tops will never fit properly.
2. You really can tell when it’s raining. It’s a annoying since the rest of your body is dry.
Lesson #2: The weather will ruin all your plans for looking cute. Ever.
3. All the pins and buttons on your shirt will inevitably spark interest in some creepy guy that seriously thinks it’s okay to touch you chest to “look” the accessories. You think we don’t know….we know.
Lesson #3: Certain men will actually put their hands on you without asking and think it’s okay…for any situation…at any time.
4. You’re a slut because these big things are attached to you. You wanted big boobs, you got them, and no you’re out to steal everyone’s husband.
Lesson #4: Women hate women for dumb reasons.
5. None of your friends get why you have back problems….and suggest weight loss as the solution. And you’re like, “Um…I’m wearing two sports bras to the gym, homie.”
Lesson #5: Being aware of the things that go on socially and economically gives you a leg up on most of the population.
6. Titty fucking, the world’s dumbest sex act, is constantly being asked of you by your sexual partners. And you just want to say, “What is this? I really get nothing out of this.”
Lesson #6: Sometimes you just won’t understand what’s in front of you.
7. Brushing your teeth in front of people is more than just trying to out brush the other person…it’s about wishing you were wearing a bra so the twins could stay in place.
Lesson #7: You won’t always be comfortable in your body.
8. Messenger bag straps separate and accentuate. Fun for when you need that. Bad for when you’re walking by a construction site.
Lesson #8: Let go of somethings. They can’t be helped.
9. Bra shopping is expensive when you have more to hold in, push up, and keep in place.
Lesson #9: Size injustice happens even in the smallest places.
10. You can be the smartest person in the entire world, but no one will treat you as such because they’re too busy talking to you with the same simpleness as every big-breasted representation in the media. Thanks.
Lesson #10: Question what the media tells you bodies. It’s not all true, and it’s not all good for you—physically or mentally.
And now, my I please direct your attention to a video I created in college about how I got my boobs.
Image: The Book of Big Breast
Laura Delarato is a web producer, writer, social media consultant, and video creator in NYC. She has spent a lot of the past 10-years of her life in internships, college, part-time jobs, graduate school, and in front of a computer typing away her next brilliant idea. Her work has appeared in Playgirl Magazine, Kong Magazine, London Glossy Magazine…and at one time CosmoGirl! Magazine. Laura spends a lot of her time typing code for the web department of Details Magazine, performing improv at The Magnet Theater, and taking any burlesque class she can find. She was nominated for Best Series at The New School’s media department awards for her show: Fat Girl, A Web Series, which was also featured on the site LESGO-NYC as a new show to watch out for. When she is not fixing the internet, Laura likes to be a total badass by participating in body-positive/fat-acceptance activism, crafting pasties, discussing the beauty of pornography, and wearing all the short skirts. @lauradelarato