Hello, I’m Quantavius. I’m sorry dat I’m a little hard to lissen to, as I have a huge piece of coal for a nose dat makes me sound like I have a code. I’ll type instead of talking.
I’m here to tell you a little-known story about how Joesph saved the Baby Jesus. This happened after he and Mary left the barn but before they got to the new place. They had to sleep in random places, and the mule had died. That was really sad. Mary loved that ass.
Anyway, one morning after sleeping under a really bushy pine branch, they woke to the burning bright fluorescent light that flooded over the land. Mary stretched and Joseph scratched himself absent-mindedly.
“Where’s Jesus?” Mary asked.
“You had him all night to feed him. I don’t have him,” Joseph replied.
“Well I don’t have him now. It’s not like he could walk off. He’s still in his manger,” Mary said looking under her flowing robes for him.
“I know, but I don’t see him. I’m worried. Let’s go looking for him.”
“Being the Son of God, he shouldn’t be hard to find. Let’s go ask the carolers first.”
So they went off in the direction of some carolers who hung out by themselves since no one could stand listening to them anymore. They sang so loudly, and sang the same note over and over to the point most people wanted to kill them and bury their still-warm bodies in the snow.
Mary and Joseph explained that baby Jesus had gone missing.
“NOOOOO!” sang the oldest man in the choir. “NOOOOOOO!” He wouldn’t say anything else though. Just the word “no” in an ongoing C flat major scale. It was really annoying. Joesph was getting aggravated at the carolers and Mary, since she had night duty with the baby. It was long before parenting equality and all that. Plus, it wasn’t like he could feed the kid, and the kid wasn’t even his, and he hadn’t bonded yet.
Joesph led Mary off in the direction of the tiny forest under the Big Red Orb. There was a wise penguin who lived there. maybe he had seen Baby Jesus.
The penguin was happy for the company, as his only visitor was a cowboy snowman who just liked to rope the poor penguin. The penguin’s name was Ralph, but the snowman only called him “Pokey” and the penguin hated that too.
“We’re looking for our son, the Son of God, really, the Baby Jesus,” Mary explained. Joseph rolled his eyes.
“What does he look like?” Ralph inquired.
“A baby. He’s still in his manger. He’s very pale. That’s it really,” Mary said. “I hold him in my arms like this.” Joseph rolled his eyes again. This description was not going to help.
Joesph interjected, “He’s about this big,” and gestured.
“Oh. I haven’t seen him, but there’s a flat-faced dude who kids really like. Maybe he knows something. There’s also a woman who’s also called Mary who like babies. She’s in the other direction,” Ralph was a little embarrassed because he could feel something stuck to his ass, but he didn’t know what it was and he didn’t want to call attention to it. Maybe the stupid cowboy elf had put another ‘kick me’ sign on his back.
“Well, let’s split up,” Joseph suggested. “We’ll meet back at the tree. You go find this other Mary, and I’ll find this flat-faced guy.” They started off.
Mary went in the direction Ralph pointed, and saw a glow coming from a group of snowpeople. She thought maybe there was light reflecting off their dingy white bodies, but it was something much more special.
“Are you Mary,” Mary asked the kneeling woman who emanated sparkles and smelled like candy canes.
“Yes. Who are you?” the smaller Mary responded.
“This is awkward.”
“I don’t think so. Many people are called Mary. It’s a common name. I have an aunt named Mary, and one of my grandfathers named his dog Mary.”
“Oh, I see. I’m looking for my baby. Have you seen a baby?”
“No, but I am going to have a baby soon. He will be the Son of God and he will save people from everlasting darkness.”
“My son is the Son of God, and he’s missing.”
“The woman who will give birth to the Son of God is blessed among all women. That’s why I’m glowing and smell so good. You can’t be the mother of the Son of God. You look plain and you smell like a closet.”
“Now wait just a minute,” Mary started, but then stopped. It was true. Her sparkle was gone and she didn’t smell like she had when she held Jesus. Without the Baby Jesus, she was just a plain old Mary. She felt a little sick.
“Ok, I’m not going to argue. Have a good birth,” Mary said and started to turn away. Under her breath she muttered, “Good luck finding an inn.”
Meanwhile, Joseph had headed off in the opposite direction to find the flat-faced dude. He wasn’t that hard to find since he was tall, and flat-faced. In fact, his whole body was flat!
Joseph introduced himself and explained he was looking for a baby. He was a little flustered by this time at losing the Son of God. God had already made him marry a woman who wasn’t a virgin and he didn’t want to know what else God might do to him, especially if Jesus didn’t turn up. In any case, he didn’t ask the flat-faced dude his name, which the flat-faced dude thought was rude.
“That’s funny. I was just over yonder and overheard a woman who was looking for a baby.”
“That was probably my wife Mary. Darn it! We could have stuck together. The penguin said you were in the opposite direction!”
“I get around pretty fast. Being flat means I get around this crowded mess of a town easily. Anyway, if I had seen a baby all alone I would have either told your wife, or I wouldn’t have, in which case I probably wouldn’t tell you either.”
‘What?! Why wouldn’t you tell me?!”
“I like kids,” the flat-faced guy replied.
“So, why wouldn’t you tell me if you had seen my baby?”
“I said, I ‘like’ kids. Maybe if he was cute, I’d want to keep him.”
“I think Jesus is cute. Do you have him and you’re not telling me?”
“If I had him, I’d be hiding him behind my back. It’s really a good place to hide kids. You can look, though, there’s no baby there.”
“Fine. If you see my baby, leave him the hell… I mean heck, alone!” At that, Joseph stomped off back to the tree to find Mary.
Back at the tree, Mary was sighing and sad and kept sniffing her robes. Joseph didn’t know what to do. They’d been all over town. Then, a little boy showed up, hobbling toward them on a wee crutch.
“Imma Tim Cratchet,” The boy said. “Do ye know me?”
“No,” Mary sniffed,” should we?”
“I guess no,” Tim said. “People don’t read like they used to. Anyway, I hear ye be looking for a wee bairn.”
“We’re looking for a baby,” Joesph explained. “We left a barn a few days back. We don’t need a barn.”
“A bairn is a wee babe,” Tim sighed. Being away from his family for so long, he had a strange accent that was no longer recognizable to anyone, even himself.
“There are two evil elves who have a bairn. He’s still in his manger, but being a cripple, I canno go after him.”
“Where?!” Joseph exclaimed. “Show the way! No, just point. It’ll be faster if I go without you.”
Tim pointed his stick in the direction he thought the elves were, and then asked Mary if she had a goose or a pudding to share. Joseph didn’t hang around to hear that conversation.
Joseph ran as fast as his stiff robes would allow. As he got close to what smelled like an elf hovel (they smell like moldy lima beans), he was suddenly attacked!
A huge bird landed on him and started to peck his eyes! Joseph called on God to help him, and the bird fell to the linoleum floor and shattered into a thousand pieces! Well, it may have been less, but it was a lot of pieces that had to swept up.
Then Joseph saw them. Two evil elves had the baby Jesus in his manger!
Jesus seemed to be pleading with them to let him go. The elves were having none of it.
“Let the Son of God go!” Joseph cried as he approached them.
“What? No! Go away.” the elves muttered. The stink from them was awful. As Joseph got closer, in addition to lima beans, the little men smelled like old, cheap candle wax.
Joseph knew he couldn’t just grab Baby Jesus because that would lead to a very piece-full baby. He looked to the heavens and asked God to come to the rescue.
“God, I know I’ve been a pain-in-the-ass about this whole baby thing, but I do like the little guy, and I don’t want to go empty-handed to Mary. Help me please!”
God spoke over what seemed to be a loudspeaker that had been playing songs that felt seasonal to Joseph.
“Joesph, I give you the Messiah Saving Sword of the Big Blue Heavens! I let a newbie name it. It’s a ponderous name, I know, but it will work wonders. I added 20 horse power to it just yesterday.”
Suddenly, Joseph felt his arms swell with the weight of a mighty weapon…
With it, he smote the elves and freed baby Jesus!
Baby Jesus popped into his arms as the elves fell to dust, and Joseph hurried to get Jesus back to Mary.
Mary was overjoyed when Joseph came back with the Baby Jesus. As soon as she held him in her arms, she felt her glow return, and Joseph inhaled the scent of vanilla cookies and fresh laundry that emanated from her.
“I will never lose you again, my son. I promise!” Mary cooed at the baby. We all know how that goes.
But for now, Joseph saves the day! Yay for Joseph and the Messiah Saving Sword! And for Christmas songs that don’t get played on the radio!
Kristin LaTour’s life is like a small Victorian boarding house of familiar guests. Some may only visit occasionally; some never leave, and all are welcome. Find out more at her website.