My doctors are telling me that they want me to have a good quality of life. The thing is, they seem to automatically think that that means having babies. Complicated gender issues aside, I find that, despite their good intentions (making me feel I can still have a family) they’re being pushy.
They’re only adding to all the weird and complicated thoughts that come in to trying to figure out how I feel about the concept of having children.
As I wrote last week, I’m not exactly medically “normal” by any means. So when thinking about all of the strain and pressure a baby puts on a woman’s body, it scares the shit out of me.
I’ve already had conversations with my doctors about prolapse, which is something that can happen to any woman after giving birth, and it’s basically assumed that the option of a totally natural birth is more or less out of the question unless I wanna really gamble.
But these reasons have really become just scapegoats over the last year or so. Sure, I have the physical excuses for why procreating may not be the best of ideas (along with my genetics), but there’s a lot more to it.
So why have I been afraid to just admit it?
I’m not going to make any huge statements on this and use the word never. I have enough issues with permanent decisions. Every time I freak out about something that feels irreversible I have anxiety dreams about getting full body tattoos or dreams where I’m about to get married to someone I barely even know and everything is just pushing forward regardless of my cold feet.
I still don’t think it’s in the cards for me. No, I don’t believe I’m destined to die alone or anything like that. I’ve really never pictured my life involving kids. While my elder sister was naming her children when we were still kids I would mull over names and use the ones I liked to name my barbies, who also never had kids. I wasn’t even one for baby dolls, though watching my sister drop kick a doll, causing it’s head to fly off and hit the wall, may have scarred me for life.
Is it weird to be just ambivalent about the idea of having kids? That’s what society seems to think. Does this make me a mother-hating monster? No. Motherhood seems like one of the hardest things ever and I can’t even begin to imagine what it’s like… though I don’t fantasize about it either.
Maybe I’ll change my mind later down the road. Maybe when I’m in my 30s or even 40s I’ll think, “Yeah, I should have a kid.” I’ll, hopefully, be in a more stable part of my life and have some wealth to share, but I am in no hurry to settle down and raise a family. I want to explore the world, progress in my career, be able to move from place to place as I feel I need to and figure me out. Maybe some consider this selfish, but I don’t.
However, I’m excited as all hell to be an aunt. My sister’s going to be due shortly after New Years and I already love the hell out of that kid.
Also, this makes my ovaries feel like they’re exploding:
Jax is a digital video and documentary producer living in the heartland. You can follow her highjinks @Jtoddles