Confessions / Dance / Feminism / Sex & Love

[Confession] I Used To Be A “Slut,” But Have I Become A Prude?

lunalunaparty

“Are you really such a prude?”

He asked me this with mocking exasperation after I responded with stunned silence to their tale of brotherly love that included sucking on alternate breasts of the lovely Lana who stood before me grinning, followed up with a casual request to join the three of them in an orgy that night. When I wished him good night, he whispered “I like threesomes” into my ear.

We had met an hour earlier at the Matzah Ball.

During this hour, one of the brothers said his Hebrew name translated as Big Cock (this happened two minutes into our encounter), the other brother rushed toward me and bellowed, “How does it feel to be surrounded by this much testosterone?” and the rest of the conversation was dominated by talk of “vags,” blow jobs, and anal sex, interspersed with random commentary on the state of Israel.

Another man requested I come home with him for the night, talking freely about his love of oral sex.

Another complimented me on my dress and promised to “strip it off nice and slow.”

Another reassured me that I was the hottest girl in the room and politely asked me to join him in the men’s bathroom.

How freely men speak of vaginas and cocks to women they have just met, how effortlessly they glance down at their zippers and look up with a suggestive grin, how unhesitatingly they talk of double penetration.

There was no intended offense, no malice, no threat accompanying these comments. Rather, the casual, nature of these overtures, the friendly ease with which they were made was remarkable.

At least, to me.

The last time I was single, Myspace was popular, internet pornography was not mainstream, and anal sex was still something most men had to bargain for.

Sometimes, I feel as if I have woken up in an alien realm where sex is everywhere, but nothing is sexy.

It isn’t as if sex wasn’t central to my life while I was growing up. In fact, I was the most promiscuous of all my friends. I was the first of us to taste cum, the first to lose her virginity, the one who got fingered in the back of the bus and on the stairs in school, the one who loved – and still loves- masturbating ten times in a row and living to tell the tale.

We were all obsessed with sex back then.

But we also respected it.

Sure, we were reckless and did things with boys we weren’t ready for, but we also knew the significance of these things, felt the holiness of a cock in the mouth even as my knees burned on the cold tiles of his mother’s bathroom.

We were brazen and free and desirous. We were urgent.

There was nothing casual about any of it, not about his body, or mine. It all mattered.

And maybe that seems sentimental now, melodramatic to worship a hard-on, to revere words like pussy and cock, but at the core of the lust I grew up with was a beating heart that wanted without end.

For all their talk of sex at the party, though, I felt little genuine desire emanating from anyone.

Words tumbled out nonchalantly and nothing stuck, nothing stung.

“Kiss me,” he demanded. “Kiss my brother then,” was his response to my objection.

These comments were not made for the shock value. In fact, the boys were shocked when I did not join the banter.

“Don’t you love sex?” they seemed to ask.

Yes, I do love sex.

I am just not sure that you do.

Marina R. is a teacher, a sister, and always a feminist.

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4 thoughts on “[Confession] I Used To Be A “Slut,” But Have I Become A Prude?

  1. This is fantastic. “Sometimes, I feel as if I have woken up in an alien realm where sex is everywhere, but nothing is sexy” is my favorite line because it rings so true. I hang out with a lot of guys and hear these types of sad language all the time and it breaks my heart for the world. They have lost the idea of the chase and what makes sex, sexy.

  2. Totally agree about the urgency thing. Its nice to keep the mystery about it, esp when flirting,not go into full detail but leave enough for the imagination.

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