Happy / Sex & Love / Staff Picks

[REVIEW] The G-Vibe Noir: Or, My New Obsession

gvibe_noir_exterior_irisWhen I received my G-Vibe Noir (Limited Edition, because I’m fancy), I went through a series of complicated emotions. First: giddiness. Because I got a sex toy in the mail. Second: respect for the packaging. Seriously, look at the gorgeous artwork on the box! Third: confusion and a bit of fear. This toy looked like nothing I’d ever seen before. It starts out like some of the newer vibrators I’ve seen from companies like Lelo, but then branches off into two slim tips in a V formation. Like a bird or something. What the hell…? How am I supposed to…? But then I switched right back to respect when I opened the most straight-forward and adorable users manual (that link is NSFW!) I’ve ever seen, which is full of line-drawn illustrations that are turn-ons unto themselves.

Then my emotions changed again, from mere respect to outright adoration.

Turns out, this beautifully designed toy that I just got down with is not only really sleek looking and beautifully packaged, but 100% more powerful than its predecessor, the normal, ho-hum G-Vibe. It’s got two motors in its rigid yet flexible tips, and one “very powerful” motor in its shaft, all of which operate at a variety of low-to-high settings and on any of six different vibration modes. It’s for power queens, and “experienced users.”gvibe_noir_pix_1

Well, yeah. I guess I am experienced. Full disclosure: I’ve reviewed sex toys before. And it’s always somewhat difficult because, well, sex toys are designed to make me feel good. How can I give a pleasure object a negative review? I don’t think I ever have. But the reality of the situation is that vibrators and I, while we’re definitely friends, aren’t really besties. They’re totally nice and all, but I rarely meet a vibrator that does the job all by itself. But the G-Vibe? This thing is wild.

So let’s talk about the experience, shall we? The G-Vibe did the trick for me because its unconventional design is incredibly versatile. This is much more than just a vibrator: it can be used to stimulate internally or externally, or both. Its two vibrating tips fold apart naturally, as you can see in the picture, but they are flexible. So they can be used separately on your anatomy in a variety of configurations that are all lovely, especially on the 6th vibration mode setting (my favorite). The combinations are only limited by your imagination, but luckily there’s an adorable little booklet of illustrated possibilities, in case you’re feeling stumped (as I was when I first opened the package). But! If you want to go all-out with penetration, the G-Vibe’s design gets even more ingenious: whereas most toys that can penetrate you are limited to the size and shape they’re born with, this one expands outward once it’s inserted. This might be getting a bit clinical, gvibe_noir_pix_7but it’s worth a minute to think about this, people: the G-Vibe naturally opens up in a V-shape, so no matter the size or shape of the orifice you’re using it in, it will make contact with both sides of that orifice. And it has vibrating motors on both sides, as well.

Like I said, just think about that for a minute.

Yeah. Like that.

If I had a microphone, I’d drop it right now and walk away. But as it is, I’m just going to give the G-Vibe Noir my full endorsement. It’s taken me years of sampling various toys, but I do think I may have found my ultimate solo sex toy. Happy New Year to me (and to any other smart, super-hip people who get a G-Vibe)!


Lynsey G is a writer, reviewer, interviewer, columnist and blogger writing for and about sex, feminism, and porn since 2007. Formerly a smut scribe for Fox, Juggs, and Tight magazines, she’s also written for xoJane, McSweeney’s Internet Tendency, Corset Magazine, TOSKA, MadisonBound.com, and WHACK! Magazine. She’s still on a high after winning a 2013 Feminist Porn Award for her short film, “Consent: Society,” and is now at work blogging at her own website and working on a few books of various types.

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