33 Things I’ve Learned About Being A Fucking Woman (& My Secret Insecurities)

If you want to be a be a bombshell, be a bombshell.

Being a woman is hard. Being brought up as a woman is hard. We are constantly bombarded with information about our bodies, our rights, our limitations and our worth. This makes life feel like some sort of self-love/self-hate roller coaster, so I wanted to capture some of my many thoughts on how we embrace our being female rather than let patriarchy and societal brokenness enable that seemingly primordial state of self-consciousness and fear. 

In no way would I attempt this sort of listicle if I too weren’t trying, failing and re-trying the below tips. I’ve got some down, but not others. I’m not a total hypocrite nor am I regularly preachy. In fact, I live my life very close to the margin of Nihilism, and it works for me–but because I’ve literally had psychotic emotional breaks that are all to do with the most superficial aspects of my being, I decided it was time for a change in thinking. It takes time and effort and sometimes I fail. Also I’ve watched and watch friends hate themselves, starve themselves and make enemies (of themselves and others) without reason. Smart, pretty, talented, likable people (or any characteristic one would deem ‘lucky’) are afraid and insecure too at times–and with everybody (and every body) there is a history, story and a person. I wrote this for that reason.

Why 33?  Because it’s my favorite number (my birthday is November 3) and because like every mythologized event in history has some bizarre connection to it. 

And Monica Bellucci? She’s strong, sexual and bold. She’s an inspiration for me.

1. Stop apologizing.I use to say sorry for everything; I can’t come out. I don’t feel happy. I don’t have money tonight. I listen to shitty music sometimes. I have a boyfriend. Why apologize? More so, why keep people around who make you feel the need to?

2. Stop comparing.I know–how could you? I went three entire years avoiding fashion magazines because they made me feel bad about myself. But guess what? You will never, ever, ever be another person on Earth beside you. It sounds like a cheap answer to our pathological, collective addiction to beauty and objectifying others (even when it’s not sexual) but once you stop paying attention to the comparison, you’re left feeling a lot less like you’re abusing yourself.

3. You don’t need to be the prettiest, the thinnest or the curviest. You’re perfect.

4. Stop being jealous.

This might be hardest thing on the list for me, because I grew up being taunted and harassed by a mean group of girls. Because of this, I learned to associate my anger with jealousy: if only I could be them, I would be acceptable. Jealousy is the most natural and usually most expendable of all emotions. If you broke it down, you’d find only insecurity at the end of it. Why burden yourself with that when you can…

5. Treat yourself like your own best friend. Yay! We’re the shit.

6. Don’t be someone you’re not. If you’re spending time with a group of people who like X and you don’t, it’s OK. Sometimes we go through the motions to keep friends and be accepted. We even stay because it’s fun. But fun isn’t enough when you’re unhappy. I’ve had to cut out groups of friends who were mostly very sincere but being with them made me feel insincere. I still feel a little grief and loss, but I know it’s better in the end. Don’t let friends influence you; let them inspire you.

7. Know that you are your own worst enemy.Not media. Not the fashion industry. Not the generic lottery. It’s super easy to point fingers and almost impossible to treat yourself well enough to stop letting other shit get you down. Like an alcoholic–one day at a time.

8. Stop hating other women. This might need to be #1 on this list. I used to fear having pretty friends. I used to meet talented, gorgeous woman who were smart and inspiring. Why did I hate them? It was irrational. They were fun, and funny and cool–but I’d cut them out. I was a lot younger, but that doesn’t mean those fears don’t crop up. I love my gorgeous, perfect, talented friends–it’s way more to fun to give people props then cut them down. Not to mention: it is imperative that we be on one another’s sides.

9. Stop staring in the mirror.Okay. Sorry. My one bitchy comment: If the mirror is over my shoulder and I’m talking to you and you’re staring in the mirror–no fucking bueno, girl. You may look hot and it’s nice to admire yourself (you should!) but keep if to a minimum. Pay more attention to the convo than your hair; you’ll like being in the moment with real human beings. You look hot, I promise.

10. Stop trying to change people’s minds.It’s OK if people disagree. It’s good.

11. Understand that your demons will always be there.But you learn to manage them.

12. You CAN have multiple interests. Don’t worry: the cool thing about being human is that in 99 percent of cases, we are not brands. If you want to read poems by candlelight and then go clubbing (read: my life), you’re not doing a disservice to anyone but yourself if you don’t go. You can break the stereotype and the box you’ve been put into by society. If I never did, I definitely wouldn’t have had any of the fun I had learning to dance to hip-hop. Wednesday Addams meets Beyonce = right here.

13. Let people be who they are. 

14. Be honest, but pick your battles. You’re smart enough to figure this one out.

15. Fuck or don’t fuck because you want to, not because you should — don’t let judgmental society make your decisions for you. Sex is personal. You’re not a slut, and don’t start slut-shaming yourself, for goodness sake!

16. Be OK with failing.

Sometimes you won’t get the job. Sometimes you don’t deserve it. This is the absolute worst, but you’ll live.

17. Be real.

 If you want to dress a certain way or act a certain way, make sure you’re doing it with full fucking duende. I’ve left the house so many times with a short skirt or my tits out. I’d ask my friends, “Are you sure it’s OK?” Hell yes. It’s OK. You only need your own approval.

18. Try new things. Do it all. Do everything. Don’t ever write things off.

19. Be compassionate.This should seriously be the other #1. It goes a long, long, long, long way.

20. Word hard and develop ethic.

This doesn’t mean you can’t party and come to work totally fucking messed up the next day, but just keep it together. Work is a part of life. If you’re given a free ride, consider yourself extremely lucky. This doesn’t mean you can’t work hard.

21. Don’t try so fucking hard.I swear girl, you’re gonna love the way it feels.

22. Speak up for yourself. Don’t do it at 3 a.m. in a bad neighborhood, but try it to do it the rest of the time.

23. Don’t let your family define you.Get the hell out already.

24. Try to make something–anything.

25. Don’t punish yourself.There enough assholes out there to do that for you. Besides, that banana float was pretty perfect.

26. ……But don’t make repeated mistakes. If you’re unhappy, just change something.

27. Don’t be afraid of being sexy purposely or accidentally. Sorry, people, we have boobs.

28. Travel by yourself at least once. I went to Mexico on my own. Yes, I took a 5 a.m. cab ride with a total maniac, but why not? That can happen anywhere.

29. Seriously stop saying you missed some chance. Stop living in your own shadow.

30. Not everyone is going to like you. And that’s cool. If they did, you’d be really busy all the time.

31. Balance your histrionics. If you are always the one crying at parties or falling apart on your friends, the good thing is that your friends care. The shitty thing is that you annoy the hell out of everyone, which will only make you feel more alone. Get it together. Good friends will hear you out, but not everyone can watch you come to pieces all the time.

 

32. Wear bright red lipstick (at least once). If this option isn’t appealing, go skinny-dipping. Why not.

33. Go to Spain and smoke all the cigarettes and drink all the cava.  I got naked in the Mediterranean sea and figured some big things out. Just saying. Oh, and listen to this: